State of mind of an average teenager.
Hour 1 of losing my AirPods.
Going insane right now. Where the actually did I put my AirPods. The farther I leave campus, the more concerned I become. I’m using my sad budget.

Hour 5 of losing my AirPods
I have never felt so lonely in my life.

Being and Becoming

The difference between being and becoming lies in change, but humans have a knack, or evolutionary “advantage” to adapt to change. That means our fundamental nature intrinsically trivializes change, or at least attempt to by gaslighting us until we fail, give up, not in the sense of giving up on life but rather giving up on living.

The next question arises in what it means to give up on life versus what it means to give up on living. As much I want to say that there is no difference, there probably is.

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Her Love moved to anticipation.
She shifted Her Gesture
around the timid, velvet –
Softness – a Tenderness gently welled Her;
Her Sweetness, Her Silence was better
than laughter,
memories,
desire,
lust.

My birthday is in winter.

On December 9th 2005, I was born.

It was “the best day of my life.”

I love to feel, and my life allows me to experience things, to touch the water bottle next to my bedside, to see the beautiful garden outside my windows, to smell the slightly strong candle scent in my dorm room, to hear the loud exploding sounds of fireworks, to taste spice from all over the world, to interact with people, to have genuine conversations, to travel, and to be myself.

I experience devastation, anger, and helplessness very often, and music helps me cope.

Honestly, I am glad to be where I am,
“Right now, I'm just happy to be alive.”

Spring, for me, is ephemeral. Spring is a rush of ecstatic feelings that won’t last - but I wish it would stay forever. Spring was before high school, before worrying about colleges, before all pain. Spring is an infant-like, innate happiness.

Spring means putting on headphones, traveling to my favorite french concession coffee shop in downtown Shanghai, and immersing myself in 70s Japanese jazz while sipping perfectly brewed coffee.

The song - カーリーとキャロル - from Shigeo Sekito’s album (the world ii) perfectly epitomizes such feelings. Every time I listen to the exquisitely constructed melody with woodwind instruments, I am dragged through space and time, to my hometown, to where I was born, and to where I grew up. A few years ago, this song brought me pleasure. Now, this song brings me much more than simple pleasure; it brings me a feeling of home and a desire for my family to reunite again.